Fw: Rude One liners ... Boom Boom !!!!!

 

 

 

Subject: FW: Rude One liners ... Boom Boom !!!!!

1)    I've just been gang raped by a group of mime artists, they did unspeakable things to me .........  
  
2)    I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for a young lady, two minutes later she said "Will you sod off I'm trying to have a crap!"  
  
3)    Brought the missus some crotchless knickers yesterday, It had nothing to do with a sexual nature, it was so she could get a better grip on her    
        broomstick ......... 
  
4)    Advice for Kate Middleton - If you get divorced make sure you wear a seatbelt .........  
  
5)    Now on sale at IKEA / LESBO beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove work .........  
  
6)    A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol, police say it's definitely race related ......... 
  
7)    Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8 .........  
  
8)    Ginger bloke goes to the docs about a rash on his bollocks. The doc says "how often do you have sex?" He says "Once or twice a year!" 
        The doc says "that's not a rash mate, its RUST mate". 
  
9)    I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency ......... 
  
10)  Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says "every time I suck William's knob I get indigestion", the queen says "have you tried Andrew's"  
  
11)  The lead actor in the local pantomime of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night, to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

 

Fw: Harriers fly past

 

 

A picture of the last Harrier fly by over the Houses of Parliament. You have squint a bit to see what the 'boys' are trying to say!

Fw: Cletus & Billy Bob

 

 

 

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

 

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.  Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt

underneath.  With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

 

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

 

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.  "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

 

[Don't make me come splain this to you!  ---

 

 

Fw: IRISH parking

 

 

 

Subject: IRISH parking On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, " I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the f****** car in the garage this time?"

 

Fw: Fwd: FW: Knickers - love it!

 

 

 

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers." Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Fw: Aussie Joke!!!

A policeman in New South Wales pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyser". The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath". The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample" The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way". So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then". The man produces a third letter from his pocket. It read: "This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"

Fw: A chain letter that really works!

 

 

 

 

oooO    (       )   Oooo      \     (    (      )        \__)   )    /                  (__/               Many people will walk in  and out of your life but only a true friend will leave footprints on  your computer!  Forward this message to 8 other people...... and you will get......    Bugger all!   That's right Bugger all.   You won't get good luck or a nice surprise, 5 grand or a bloody holiday in Jamaica , just Bugger all..... it's true...... it works.....!        I sent it and I got........        Bugger all. Yes that's right. Absolutely BUGGER ALL.   J       Don't break the chain!  It's the only one of these things that actually works!     So send it and get Bugger all. It's brilliant!                               No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com  Version: 8.5.449 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3344 - Release Date: 12/28/10 07:34:00 No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com  Version: 9.0.872 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3348 - Release Date: 12/30/10 18:34:00

 

Sandi Drager

dragermoody@xtra.co.nz

 

 

 

 

Fw: Anagrams - Now these are SERIOUSLY clever!!!

 

Subject: Fw: Anagrams - Now these are SERIOUSLY clever!!!                     ------------------------------------------------------------       This is one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!  DORMITORY:  When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM       PRESBYTERIAN:  When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER       ASTRONOMER:  When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER       DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:  A ROPE ENDS IT       THE EYES:  ! When you rearrange the letters:   THEY SEE       GEORGE BUSH :  When you rearrange the letters:  HE BUGS GORE       THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:   HERE COME DOTS       SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME       ANIMOSITY:  When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY       ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT       SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:   ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S       A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE       THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE       ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE       AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW:  When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER  Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law). Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!! DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS                             ************************************************************************************************************* Check out our web site:  http://www.cdhb..govt.nz   This email and attachments have been scanned for content and viruses and is believed to be clean This email or attachments may contain confidential or legally privileged information intended for the sole use of the addressee(s). Any use, redistribution, disclosure, or reproduction of this message, except as intended, is prohibited. If you received this email in error, please notify the sender and remove all copies of the message, including any attachments. Any views or opinions expressed in this email (unless otherwise stated) may not represent those of Canterbury District Health Board   *************************************************************************************************************** -- Jacqueline Denford No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 9.0.872 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3298 - Release Date: 12/05/10 20:34:00   No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 10.0.1191 / Virus Database: 1435/3364 - Release Date: 01/06/11

Fw: These are great mechanical principles

 

 

Simple animation to explain complex principles:- 1: Aircraft Radial Engine     2: Oval Regulation   3: Sewing Machines   4: Malta Cross movement - second hand movement used to control the clock     5: Auto Change file mechanism   6: Auto Constant Velocity Universal Joint     7: Gun Ammunition loading system     8: Rotary Engine - an internal combustion engine, the heat rather than the piston movement into rotary movement 9: Inline Engine - it's cylinders lined up side by side

 

 

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