Fw: "SMILE."

 

 

 

Male or Female?  You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:     FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.     PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes a while to warm them up again.   They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.     TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated     HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their bums !     SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.     WEB PAGES:  Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.     TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..     EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.     HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.     THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying   New Law: With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded carparks ... Especially during evening hours .... The  Edinburgh City Council has established a 'Women Only' carpark at the Tesco shopping centre. Even the parking attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in   Edinburgh  !

 

Fw: Heaven and Hell

 

 

 

 

Subject: Heaven and Hell

 

HELL AS EXPLAINED by a Chemistry Student

 

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet.

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

 

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

 

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

 

    (1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    (2). If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

 

So which is it?

 

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number

(2) must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

 

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting  'Oh my God.'

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED an A+

 

Fw: Lets offend everyone.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've  just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage roll. A  poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'  I told him 'I wish I had your fekin' will power'. 

  
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.  Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" was not the correct answer.
 
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait..' I said 'don't worry fatty,  you're bound to lose it eventually  '   
      
 
Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she  was expecting 8 inches  tonight.  I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

 
An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the  road.  A  man asks 'What is  wrong'??  The  boy says  'Me ma is  dead' 'Oh  bejaysus' the man says 'Do you want me to call  Father O'Riley for you'?? The boy replies 'No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the  moment'.  

 
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I  always end up in bed with them.  Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to  you?'  

 
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the  doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!   



Japanese  scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed  that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth  closed.


I  hate all this terrorist business.   I used to love the days when  you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to  yourself 'I'm having that'


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .   He looks  down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am  I'??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back 'Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard.  You're in that feckin basket.

I  had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I  got wrong.   The question was "Where do women have the  curliest hair"??
The answer I should have given was " Fiji "

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Escaped Convict lol

 

 

 

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for fifteen years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck then gently gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years, I saw how he kissed your neck, if he wants sex don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you this guy is probably very dangerous, if he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong honey, I love you."
To which his wife responds "He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!"

 

 

Fw: THIS IS VERY INTERESTING

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult. People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport. Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined. Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs. Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off! Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times. Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years. Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off. Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases. Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers. Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines, because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450°F The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear. Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density The University of Alaska spans four time zones. (Hmmm, really??) The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself. In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted. Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. A comet's tail always points away from the sun The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines. The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity. If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day. When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams. (Bring on the guacamole & chips!) The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down Everything weighs one percent less at the equator. (Maybe I should move.....) For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off. The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements. And last but not least: In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years! This is called 'money bags'. So send this on to 5 and money will arrive in 5 days. Based on Chinese Feng Shui, the one who does not pass this on will have money troubles for the rest of the year.(I didn't want to risk it.)

 

 

-- Jim
jimross.c170@gmail.comcell: 818 422-9277

 

Fw: Wii For Women

 

 

 

 

Fw: Oh dear, it's a worry!

 

 

 

 

 

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  ,  DC  . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in  Texas ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.." --Al Gore, Vice President ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "I love  California. I practically grew up in  Phoenix  ." -- Dan Quayle ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to? your brilliant friends. I just did !!