Fw: One day God was looking down at earth.....

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: FW: One day God was looking down at earth.....

 

 

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One day, God was looking down at earth,

and saw all the misbehaving ( too much sex, alcohol, illicit drugs, prescription drugs and risqué emails, etc,) that was going on.

So he called one of his angels to go to Earth.

 

When he returned, the angel told God,

'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not'.

 

God thought for a moment and said,

'Maybe I should send down another angel,

to get a second opinion'!

 

So, God called another angel, & sent him to Earth too.

 

When the angel returned, he went to God & said,  'Yes, it's true.  The Earth is in decline;  95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

 

God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because, he wanted to encourage them, give them

a little something, to help them keep going!

 

Do you know what the e-mail said ?

 

 

 

No ?

 

 

Okay,  just checking with you.

 

 

I didn't get one  either ...

 

 

Fw: Puns for Intellectuals

 

 

 

 

 

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Puns for intellectuals  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger'. 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

 

 

 

 

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.449 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3658 - Release Date: 05/24/11 18:34:00

 

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Fw: Oops

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Understanding Women.

 

 

 

 

 

    I finally got the book that will help you understand women better. Let me know if you need a copy!

Fw: The Celts

 

 

 

This is funny!

 

 

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.  The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape.  I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.  I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.  How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'  The doctor was amazed.  'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive.  How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.  'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.  He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.  How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandad is dead?'  Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!  Incredible, how old is he?'  'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point: 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No.  Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today.'  At this point the doctor was close to losing it.  'Getting married!!  Why would a 118 year-old Scotsman want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

Fw: Non PC humour!

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Fw: Bazza had shingles.

 

> Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! > > > Doesn't it seem more and more that doctors are running their practices like > an assembly line? > > Here's what happened to Bazza, an Aussie truck driver: > > Bazza walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he > had. > > Bazza said: 'Shingles.' > > So she wrote down his name, address, Medicare number and told him to have a > seat. > > Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bazza what he had. > > Bazza said, 'Shingles.' > > So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told > Bazza to wait in the examining room. > > A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bazza what he had. > > Bazza said, 'Shingles..' > > So the nurse gave Bazza a blood test, a blood pressure test, an > electrocardiogram, and told Bazza to take off all his clothes and wait for > the doctor. > > An hour later the doctor came in and found Bazza sitting patiently in the > nude and asked him what he had. > > Bazza said, 'Shingles.' > > The doctor asked, 'Where?' > > Bazza said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Fw: Fwd: Fw: Exercise frightens me

 

Why Exercise Frightens me!! What do these women think is going to happen To all this extra body when They stop weight training?? V V Remind me to NEVER exercise again!