Fw: Oops!

Persevere!

Fw: Fwd: FW: Hangover Finalists 2009

 

 

Why I like to drink

Hangover Finalists of 2009

 

And the winner is:

 

 

Fw: HAPPY & SAD

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy and Sad    A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology   and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".  The husband turned   to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me   anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

  
 
She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Fancy a Motor Bike?

 

Some of these are way OTT!

Fw: Fwd: Fw: Funeral Procession

 

Funeral Procession   A woman was leaving  with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.  A long black hearse was followed by a second  hearse about 50 feet behind.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman  walking a Pit Bull dog on a leash.. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman  walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"  The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband,"       "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and  killed him."  She inquired further, "Well who is in the  second hearse?"  "His mistress. She tried to help my  husband, then the dog turned on her."  A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two         women.  "Can I borrow the dog?"  She replied, "Get in line."

Fw: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: FW: Study these 3 photos

 

 

 

 

You need to be reminded of this every so often. Study these 3 photos closely, then read the message at the bottom. It will explain lots and lots of things, as if you didn't already know.   THIS IS  INDIA   . IT'S WHERE YOU CALL WHEN YOU HAVE A TECHNICAL PROBLEM WITH YOUR COMPUTER OR EVEN WORSE THEY HANDLE YOUR BANK ACCOUNT         No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 10.0.1204 / Virus Database: 1435/3433 - Release Date: 02/09/11

 

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Fw: Animosity

 

 

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of  London for Perth. > > One  took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. > Just before take off a Rabbi sat down in the aisle seat. > > After take off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and  was > settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and > get > a coke.' ' Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in  the aisle seat, I'll > get > it  for you.' > > As soon as he left, one of  the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and  spat > in it. When the  Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That > looks good. I'd really like one,  too..' > > Again, the Rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other > Arab  picked up the Rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it. > > When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the > plane was landing, the Rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew > immediately what had happened. > > He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, > 'Why does it have to be this way? > > > 'How long must this go on? > > 'This fighting between our nations? > > 'This hatred? > > 'This animosity? > > 'This spitting in shoes..............and pissing in cokes?'

Fw: NEW FROM FORD

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: THE IRAQI FOOTBALLER

 

 

 

>> THE IRAQI FOOTBALLER

>>

>> The Liverpool FC manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi 

>> play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over

>>

>> Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 

>> minutes left, the manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and 

>> on he goes.

>>

>> The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the 

>> game for Liverpool .. The fans are delighted, the players and 

>> coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

>>

>> When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her 

>> about his first day in English football.

>>

>> 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we 

>> were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the 

>> fans, the

>> media, they all love me.'

>>

>> 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your 

>> father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were 

>> ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang 

>> of looters,

>> and all while you were having such great time.'

>>

>> The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really 

>> sorry.'

>>

>> 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

>>

>>

>> If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have come to Liverpool in the first place!!!!!'

>>

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: How engineers think

 

 

 

 

_ENGINEERS 101_

Understanding Engineers: One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike,
threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what
you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

  Understanding Engineers: Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

  Understanding Engineers: Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

  Understanding Engineers: Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers: Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

  Understanding Engineers: Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must
have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

  Understanding Engineers: Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet.

Understanding Engineers: Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He
bent
over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Fw: Fwd: Fw: Sounds true to me.

 

 

A man walks into the council office, says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an M.P." The receptionist replied "certainly sir Please fill in this form." So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question - Are you circumcised? So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?" She replied "If you are circumcised you are not eligible" - He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised? She replied "To become an M.P. you have to be a complete prick."    Boom Boom     No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 8.5.449 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3412 - Release Date: 01/30/11 07:34:00 No virus found in this message. Checked by AVG - www.avg.com Version: 10.0.1204 / Virus Database: 1435/3420 - Release Date: 02/03/11

Fw: Love story, a must read funny !!!!

 

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, She spent the next Hour just rubbing his testicles........ Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because," she replied....... "I Really miss mine"

 

Fw: New Book

 

 

 

 

 

 A man goes into local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?" 

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
 

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."

 

Fw: Fwd: That Sinkin' Feelin'

 

Fw: Yorkshire Compassion

 

Been round before but still raises a smile ...     YORKSHIRE LASS COMPASSION.   A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past, one from the Midlands, the second from Surrey and the third from Yorkshire . They felt sorry for the poor man. The  Midlands woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The  Surrey woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The  Yorkshire woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been f ** ked?' The man broke into a big smile and said, 'No.' She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

 

Fw: Fwd: 2012 Olympics

 

 

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London. A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishmen want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover. Tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. " McTavish , Scotland " he says,"Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington - Smythe , England " he says,"Pole vault" and in he walks. The Irishman looks round and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, "Fencing".

 

Fw: TOO OLD TO SQUAT

 

 

 

 

 

TOO OLD TO SQUAT An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to the beach, undressed completely and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said: "There really is no justice in the world." The other little old lady asked: "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady replied: "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it." "When I was 30, I enjoyed it." "When I was 40, I asked for it." "When I was 50, I paid for it.." "When I was 60, I prayed for it." "When I was 70, I forgot about it." "Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat."

Fw: The Italian lover.

          A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Paulo was relaxing 
at his favourite bar in   Rome  when he managed to attract a spectacular 
blonde woman in her 30s. Things progressed to the point where he invited her 
back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his 
bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
          After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile in his barely 
adequate English, "So, you finish?"
          She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
          Surprised, Paulo reached for her and the rattling resumed.
          This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of 
passion...
          The sex finally ends and again, Paulo smiles and asks, "You 
finish?"
          Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer 
to him and softly says, "No."
          Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman 
unsatisfied, Paulo reaches for the woman yet again.
           Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they 
end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. 
Exhausted, Paulo falls onto his back, gasping.
          Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles 
proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
          Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear 
"No, I'm Norwegian."