Fw: Lets offend everyone.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've  just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage roll. A  poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'  I told him 'I wish I had your fekin' will power'. 

  
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.  Apparently "Blacks" and "Paki's" was not the correct answer.
 
A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait..' I said 'don't worry fatty,  you're bound to lose it eventually  '   
      
 
Snow in the forecast!  The TV weather gal said she  was expecting 8 inches  tonight.  I thought to myself "fat chance with a face like that!"

 
An  Irish boy stands crying at the side of the  road.  A  man asks 'What is  wrong'??  The  boy says  'Me ma is  dead' 'Oh  bejaysus' the man says 'Do you want me to call  Father O'Riley for you'?? The boy replies 'No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the  moment'.  

 
I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I  always end up in bed with them.  Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to  you?'  

 
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the  doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!   



Japanese  scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed  that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth  closed.


I  hate all this terrorist business.   I used to love the days when  you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to  yourself 'I'm having that'


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland .   He looks  down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him 'Where am  I'??
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back 'Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard.  You're in that feckin basket.

I  had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I  got wrong.   The question was "Where do women have the  curliest hair"??
The answer I should have given was " Fiji "