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Fw: Very Foolish Man Jokes

 

 

 

 

- VERY  BRAVE MAN JOKES ---  How do you turn a fox into an elephant?  Marry It!  What is the difference between a battery and a woman?  A battery has a positive side.   Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?  Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..       What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?  Nothing, she's been told twice already.  If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?  Made her chain too long    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?  Because a woman who can't even afford a washing  machine will probably never be able to support you.    Why do women have smaller feet than men?  It's one of  those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. If your dog  is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at  the front door, who do you let  in first ? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.  Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 98%..  It's called a Wedding Cake.  Why do men die before their wives?  They want to.   Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who don't own a gun.

 

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Fw: Fwd: Fw: Oh My God Scenes !!

 

Fw: TGIF

 

Think what they could have done with 24 hours!!!  Mind you – I reckon 6 pints would be quicker (and cheaper ;-)

---  Subject: There are no ugly women - - just fixer uppers !   There are no ugly women - - just fixer uppers ! Look carefully, they're in the same order. Their makeover picture is below their regular picture. It's just amazing what money can do....... This photo below was taken at a competition in June 2008 involving 9 women for best makeover. They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest. Look at the before and after photos. The woman 2nd from the left won the contest. .

 

Fw: UP IN YORKSHIRE

 

 

Subject: UP IN YORKSHIRE      A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.       Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'  Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.     Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'       The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.' The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'     The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,           'Had him circumcised...'

Fw: Oh what truth!

 

 

 

I keep telling people this!

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through he clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God,� and I've put LIFE on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."

Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth.

There are beautiful people, seven great cities in Yorkshire alone, and many impressive towns;

it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

The people from  Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see what I'm putting down South!!"

 

Fw: The 70"s

 

 

 

 

Remember  the words from the song...     "Where  have all the flowers gone? ...long time passing....  "       Have you  ever wondered what happened     to all  those really cute and crazy, good  looking, barefoot,  young hippie chicks       who didn't  wear bra's did drugs,  smoked weed, got  tattooed          Well,  wonder no more!                 Kinda  gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?

Fw: Fwd: FW: Life without farms.

 

 

You'll have to excuse the language, out of the mouths of babes!

 

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Fw: Ear Infection

 

 

 

 

 

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Ear Infection    This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.  You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.  The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.. Mess with seniors and you're going to lose! ------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Englies is a gloobal langweez

 

 

 

 

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Fw: Fwd: Pit bull's bad day

 

 

Ouch!! 
    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A pit bull was in his backyard in southern   California when a porcupine invaded his territory.   The brave but stupid pit bull immediately   Challenged the porcupine! Bad decision. ... . The porcupine won this   Short contest.         A vet sedated the dog and removed 1,347 quills. The dog survived.  Now, tell me you had a bad day!

 

 

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Fw: It's a sign...

 

 

 

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