Fw: Carols

 

 

http://www.cupsizechoir.com/

Fw: Cenesthetic hallucination....stop if it is going to hurt your eyes

 

This is weird…..  if you don't like flashing lights etc or it hurts your eyes simply look away – instructions below

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is wild

Follow the instructions.

Get ready to experience an hallucination. 1.- Click on the link below 2.- Then "click me to get trippy", 3.-  Look at the center of the screen for 30 seconds, and then.  4.- Look at your hand holding the mouse, without moving it away from the mouse... NOT BEFORE!     ( it is called "cenesthetic hallucination")      http://www.neave.com/strobe/

 

 

 

 

Fw: A Possible Christmas Present for Someone Older You Know

 

Fw: A Truly Devoted Husband

 

 

Devoted husband ... This is for all you women out there who think all men are heartless .............

 

 

Fw: [SPAM] Bah humbug.

 

 

 

Fw: Bit Rude

 

 

Topical!

Fw: Maternal Care from around the world

 

 

 

At the river.... In Africa .... In India .... In the ocean ... Lidl CAR park in Coventry

 

Fw: Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is...

>
> >
> Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
>
> Mick says "Lets hope its not the 13th!"
>

Fw: Fwd: FW: one for you!

 

 

 

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.   "In the park just down the road" she replie   "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me"   "Could you give me a description of him   "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees,one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady  "He was an Aussie Cricketer".  "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent? "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

 

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Fw: Grandmothers / Grandfathers

 

 

 

 

Subject: Fw: Fwd: FW: Grandmothers / Grandfathers

> >>The difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is:-
> >>
> >>
> >>A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning
> > available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive
> > in the car for some bonding time, just him and his granddaughter.
> >
> >>One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to
> > stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she
> > would take their granddaughter out in the car.
> >
> >>When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how
> > her Grandfather was.
> >
> >>'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
> >
> >>'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't
> > see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere
> > today!'
> >
> >>Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Fw: Catholic School Education

 

This is quite funny and worth a read,    1+2 = 3 Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.... Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mum looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in maths. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.' FORWARD THIS TO ANYBODY WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . Have a wonderful day and God Bless

Fw: Technology

 

Ho ho ho ....

Fw: Fwd: Fw: Bloody Brilliant

 

 

 

Drink Driving...THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could pull this one off! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man Leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication. The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

 

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Internal Virus Database is out of date.
Checked by AVG - http://www.avg.com
Version: 8.0.406 / Virus Database: 270.6.16/1651 - Release Date: 04/09/2008 06:57

 

Fw: Talent

 

 

 

 

 

 

Every once in a while, in life you run into a genius with true talent......  THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWN RIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Painful address

 

I haven't googled it as it's too silly to spoil….

 

 

.                      Google it - this  is absolutely true!                                                                                                                     In the sleepy village of Herbum , in the town of  Tillet , Hertfordshire                         lives a lady by the name Linda  Lykes.                   She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.                       Her mail is addressed:                     Linda  Lykes                   The Cock  Inn                   HERBUM                   Tillet,                    Herts.      The Postie still laughs with every  delivery

 

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Fw: Bailout Mechanism A lesson in international finance.

 

 It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. 

 

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. 

 

No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
 
And that,
 
Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

Fw: I'm A Man, I Can Fix That

 

 

 

I'm a man, I can fix that

 

  Don't have a spoon? I can fix that!

Seatbelt broken? I can fix that! (Is that a neck brace you have on?)

New TV too big for the old cabinet? I can fix that!

   

Room too dark using compact fluorescents? I can fix that!

Electrical problem? I can fix that!

 

 

Bookshelf cracking under the weight? I can fix that!

 

 

 

No ice chest? I can fix that!

 

 

Can't read the ATM screen? I can fix that!

 

 

 

Car imported from the wrong country? I can fix that!

Satellite go out in the rain? I can fix that!

Electric stove broken & can't heat coffee? I fixed that.

Wiper motor burned out? I can fix that!

??????

Display rack falling over? I can fix that!

Desk overloaded? I can fix that!

 

 

Car can't be ordered with the "Woody" option? I can fix that!

Exhaust pipe dragging? I can fix that!

Gotta feed the baby AND do the laundry? I can fix that!

Cables falling behind the desk?

I can fix that!

No skate park in town? I can fix that!

 

 

 

 

And - last but not least - - - - Out of diapers? I can fix that!  

Fw: Fwd: Fw: New seatbelt law!

 

 

---       New Seat Belt. Are you aware, are you cognisant of the fact that the new EEC. laws appertaining to car seat belts come into force on 1st. January 2011??? Have you done anything about it?  Your current passenger side belt is almost certainly going to be illegal.  "On the spot" fines will be imposed.  Accidents can be reduced by as much as 95% when the belt is properly installed. Correct Installation is illustrated below....... Please pass on to family and friends. THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE! This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40% I KNOW....YOU SMILED. YEAH, YOU SMILED AGAIN!               =