Fw: Fwd: Idiot Sightings

 

 

 

 

 

IDIOT SIGHTING 1 My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'    The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change..   Do not confuse the girls at MacD's.   IDIOT SIGHTING 2   We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a  ¼  horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, sorry it's not. Four is larger than two.'   We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Bromley, Kent    IDIOT SIGHTING 3 I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'   Story from Crayford, Kent   IDIOT SIGHTING 4   My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimum lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.   From Gillingham Kent   IDIOT SIGHTING 5   I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked,   'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'   Happened at Luton Airport     IDIOT SIGHTING 6       The traffic lights on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually      challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people      when the light is red.     Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'       She is an Essex County Council employee in Dartford Kent       IDIOT SIGHTING 7       When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in     it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver 's side door. As I     watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I     announced to the Mechanic "It's open!'     His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'       This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.     STAY ALERT!     They walk among us... and the scary part is that is they have the        RIGHT TO VOTE and  REPRODUCE!

 

Fw: scottish soldier

 

 

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marched into a chemist shop. Very carefully he opened his sporran and pulled out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolded it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolded to reveal a condom. The condom had a number of patches on it. The chemist held it up and eyed it critically. "How much to repair it?" The Scot asked the chemist. "Six pence," said the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "Ten pence" said the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folded the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaced it carefully in his sporran and marched out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist heard a great shout go up outside..... followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marched back into the chemist and addressed the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he said. "We'll have a new one."

 

Fw: Amish elevator.....Priceless !

 

 

 

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,  silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.     The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'     While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old  lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a  button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a  small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.     They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.         The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....   'Go get your Mother'             *

Fw: Impossible Photos by a 23 year old student AMAZING!

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Fwd: Don't Forget Next Saturday!!

 

 

 

 

 

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY  Think this would get their attention? Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God Bless    America!! P.S. If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.

 

__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 6029 (20110409) __________

The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.

http://www.eset.com

 

Fw: Demotivational Posters

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Funnies for Friday!

 

 

 

 

 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 

 

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.
 
 
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.  

 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
 
 
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,
takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,
sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says,
" Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "
Dave replies,
" Well we were married for nearly 20 years " 

 
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a labrador."
"f*ck that" says Mick
"have you seen how many of their owners go blind" 

 

 
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!  
 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"    

 
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.  
 
 
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.
 

Spent £40 on ebay last week for a p* nis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!  
 

  
 

 

 

 

 

 

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Over the past year, the number of people tuning into Classic FM each week has increased by 586,000. The latest listening figures show that the weekly audience for Classic FM has risen to 5.72 million people, meaning that Classic FM brings classical music into the lives of more people every week than any other broadcast medium in the UK. [Source: RAJAR Q4, 2010].

 

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Fw: American Phrase of the Day

 

 

 

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"   

Well, it just so happens to have originated way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.   

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat.  It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.   

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.   

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.   

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.   Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.   

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.   

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.   

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.   

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.   

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.  We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'   

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.  We can surely give you warmth and comfort.  How many men do you have?'   

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'   

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'  

 

I only sent this to those with a slightly warped sense of humor 

 

Fw: HYSTERICALLY IRONIC!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: HYSTERICALLY IRONIC!!!