Fw: Yorkshire Love Story

 

 

 
 

A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY:  DYING FOR A SCONE

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
 
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
 
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
 
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
 
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

Bugger off she said  'they're for the funeral.'

 

Fw: Zen Teachings

 

 

ZEN TEACHINGS   1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.  In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone. 2.  Sex is like air.  It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3.  No one is listening until you fart. 4.  Always remember you're unique.  Just like everyone else. 5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.   6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12.  Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13.  Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14.  Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse. 20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

Fw: some funny ones here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: IRISH DIESEL FITTER

 

 

 

IRISH DIESEL FITTER  Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.    When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher..  I  sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'   The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.   Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'   Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.   When Paddy found out he was furious..    He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.      The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'   'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'                                                           949 of my spam emails to date. Do you have a slow PC? Try free scan!

 

 

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Fw: IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO???

 

 

 

 

 

SUPERSEX   A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _____________________________________ _____________________________________ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _____________________________________ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?" _____________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M3. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?" Please !!!! Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!!

Hallite Seals International Ltd is a member of the Fenner Advanced Sealing Technologies Division of Fenner PLC
Registered Number 310223 England
Registered Office: Hesslewood Country Office Park, Ferriby Road,Hessle, HU13 0PW

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Fw: Bloke walks into a pub...

 

 

A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Tetleys.

Barman asks, "What's wrong with Tetleys?"

Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Tetleys last night and when I came round I was f -- ing skint."

Barman says, " 12 pints of anything costs about the same."

Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Fw: Friday humour - Latest riot stories.

 

 

Man in Belfast smashed his computer screen and tried to steal a pair of trainers off Ebay.   Liverpool man ransacked Argos , he got away with 500 catalogues if you want one.   Irish guy caught running down the road with a Chicken Tikka Masala, his mates told him they were robbing Currys.   Man convicted of ransacking DFS was given a hefty fine, but nothing to pay for 2 years followed by 4 years free credit.   Rioters in Toxteth caused thousands of pounds worth of improvements.