Fw: Oh what truth!

 

 

 

I keep telling people this!

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through he clouds.

"Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God,� and I've put LIFE on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."

Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,

"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth.

There are beautiful people, seven great cities in Yorkshire alone, and many impressive towns;

it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

The people from  Yorkshire are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see what I'm putting down South!!"

 

Fw: The 70"s

 

 

 

 

Remember  the words from the song...     "Where  have all the flowers gone? ...long time passing....  "       Have you  ever wondered what happened     to all  those really cute and crazy, good  looking, barefoot,  young hippie chicks       who didn't  wear bra's did drugs,  smoked weed, got  tattooed          Well,  wonder no more!                 Kinda  gets you tingly all over, doesn't it?

Fw: Fwd: FW: Life without farms.

 

 

You'll have to excuse the language, out of the mouths of babes!

 

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Fw: Ear Infection

 

 

 

 

 

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Ear Infection    This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.  You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.  The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.. Mess with seniors and you're going to lose! ------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fw: Englies is a gloobal langweez

 

 

 

 

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Fw: Fwd: Pit bull's bad day

 

 

Ouch!! 
    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A pit bull was in his backyard in southern   California when a porcupine invaded his territory.   The brave but stupid pit bull immediately   Challenged the porcupine! Bad decision. ... . The porcupine won this   Short contest.         A vet sedated the dog and removed 1,347 quills. The dog survived.  Now, tell me you had a bad day!

 

 

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Fw: It's a sign...

 

 

 

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Fw: Yorkshire Love Story

 

 

 
 

A YORKSHIRE LOVE STORY:  DYING FOR A SCONE

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
 
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
 
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
 
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
 
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?  Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ......

Bugger off she said  'they're for the funeral.'

 

Fw: Zen Teachings

 

 

ZEN TEACHINGS   1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.  In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone. 2.  Sex is like air.  It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. 3.  No one is listening until you fart. 4.  Always remember you're unique.  Just like everyone else. 5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.   6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8.  If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 10.  If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it. 11.  If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12.  Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree. 13.  Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 14.  Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment. 15.  A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16.  There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works. 17.  Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 18.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19.  We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse. 20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 

Fw: some funny ones here